Sunday, July 24, 2011

Hard long thoughts.

So a blog about something that has been on my little mind for a few years.
Prayer for so many different needs and wants are petitioned daily to God and He answers in His time with an answer that may not be what we want.
We pray for health, wealth, family, and the list continues on with unlimitless requests.
One that is frequent is for a women to be able to conceive. God wants us to be fruitful and multiple but there are times that this does not happen.
I have no regrets about not having kids. I have had the privilege to be involved in many lives through out the years. Many that have come to know God and serve Him.
My regret, unanswered pray or answered in a way I don't like is for a spouse. I don't see how God has used this in my life except I have patience. Sometimes I think that I am not a person that someone would like to spend time with. Other times I feel who cares, I am who I am with a love for God and family and friends.
Being single I have had the privilege of observing marriages. To watch how they interact and show their love and frustrations with their best friends the spouse. I am so thankful that I don't feel like I am a third wheel with my friends. I am included and love them for that.
I miss coming home and only my cat to greet me and have dinner with me. There are times I would love to have a shoulder to cry on or just to spend quiet time with.
I do love that my cat Katie will be at the window when I pull in and at the door as soon as I open it.
There have been a few times in the past three or four years that I have really broken down about
being alone.
The first was when I realized that I never had the chance to be a friend to my mom, only her child. Mom died when I was 18. I have women in my life who have been the mother figure for me. Paula was my Sunday school teacher in high school and is a dear friend who is a phone call away. I have been adopted by a wonderful lady Gladys. She is there for all her girls and has so much wisdom. So thankful for these woman.
I see my friends interact with their mothers and at times get jealous. I think I hide it well but it comes out sometimes. I can say I do not like mother/daughter teas at church but I go. I have had the privilege to be a mom for the tea to other girls who share their mom.
The second one was after I was assaulted at work. It was later in the evening and going home to an empty house was scary for me. I could have called a friend and they would have been there but I was embarrassed to even tell them what happened. My teddy bear was the shoulder I cried on. Teddy has seen alot of tears throughout the years.
The third was last Christmas at my family Christmas. My sister every year takes a picture of each family in front of the Christmas tree. Seeing all my siblings with their family and me alone really hit hard last year and I was not very nice to my sister. A few days later I was able to tell her what was bugging me. She said she never thought about me being alone.
Most people don't. I can hide it well, it just comes out at times. How many times do you think about your single friends. Look at some of the holidays. Valentines day are not for singles. I will never be a mother so Mothers day is out. I have wonderful friends and family who are there so I don't miss to much at holidays.
The fourth was last summer at a women's retreat. Hearing the women talk about their husbands and the kids with all the good and laughter. I could not join in. Oh how the evil jealously was on my heart. So with the jealously and recently I had stopped a relationship and was dealing with that too. My thought and tears on my best friends shoulder on the beach was when I finally realized that God has something planned and I don't know what it is but my patience runs out at times.
I know that I am God's workmanship and He will use me and my life to do His will and I will try not to be impatience and accept His will.
So friends I might be calling for a shoulder to cry on or a spider to remove from my apartment or a jar to open. I will try not to be so stubborn and not ask for help. I keep getting reminded that their helping my might be a blessing to others. So God do Your will in my life.

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